"My Next 30 Years...."

I’m gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I’m doing here
In my next thirty years




One month from today I will turn 30 and I could not be more excited! I have seen plenty of Facebook statuses from my peers lately talking about the dreaded milestone birthday and how many are not looking forward to turning 30 as if it implies something great has ended. For me, turning 30 signifies the end to a decade of struggles.

I am fully aware of the fact that your 20's aren't supposed to be easy. I think "Friends" pointed that out pretty clearly. At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, did mine really have to be so fucking tragic? In April 2005 at just 21 years old, a knock on my dorm room door changed the course of my life. There are still some days late at night that I wish I could go back and just never answer that door. My father, the strongest man I know, was dead at 54. It is something that gets replayed a lot in my head. Unless you have had the horrible experience of answering a knock like that, you will never understand. Nearly nine years later and I still can't believe it. I still don't want to believe it, yet I have accepted it. I was unable to fully grieve for my Dad because my mom's health was declining and much faster after the sudden death of the man she had loved for most of her life. A month or two after my Dad passed away, my Mom was diagnosed with early onset Parkinson's disease on top of the coronary artery disease she had been battling for a few years. I think the biggest shock of everything was that I had come to terms with my Mom's mortality. I wasn't okay with her dying by any means, but I understood that she was sick and suffering. I was always expecting a phone call or a knock on my door from my Dad telling me her suffering was over. So when my Mom and Aunt showed up at my dorm on April 10th, my whole world went spinning off its axis. We didn't know it at the time, but my Mom was also suffering from early onset Alzheimer's disease. This wouldn't be known until several months after her death in 2008. Some of her behavior early on was thought to be due to grief. In hindsight, it was the Alzheimer's disease rearing its ugly head. My Mom's personality completely changed. Over the course of almost 3 years I lost my Mom. Her body was still here, but her mind was not. I was 23 years old and about to get married and move across the country. Many people, family and friends, thought they knew what I should do. They thought I should stay home and take care of my sick mother. Many were (and some are still to this day) appalled that I went through with not only my marriage but my move to be with my husband. At this point, my Mom required 24 hour care. We (my sister and I ) had no other choice but to put her in a nursing home. Unless you have been there, unless you have seen first hand the tragedy that is dementia you cannot comment. My Mom watched her own mother slowly die from this disease. My MOM told me on several occasions to smother her with a pillow if she ever got like her mom. My MOM knew what happens to people with dementia. She tried for years to get my Grandpa (God bless his soul) to put her mom in a nursing home. She knew the toll dementia takes on care givers. My MOM would not have wanted me to stop living my life, a life she worked so hard at helping me create, to take care of the shell that she had become. The disease? The disease wanted other things. I understand that the people around me only saw snapshots of what was happening and many did not see the whole picture. Instead, people thought it best to play judge, jury, and executioner to my character without all the facts. So in a time when I was still reeling from the sudden loss of my Dad and the rapid decline of my Mom, in a time when I needed support and strength from others, I felt very much alone. My Mom's body passed away in February 2008.  And it may sound horrible, but a part of me was relieved. My MOM had been gone for a long time. Her spirit, everything that had made her the strong, tough, scary, loving woman everyone knew was already gone. I miss that woman every single day.  I lost a lot more than my mother in February 2008. I lost some good friends, some family, and part of myself.  Could I have handled things better? Of course I could have. But I did the best I could. I was young.  But even with an increased maturity that age and experiences bring, I would still put my Mom in a nursing home and try my best to live my life, because my MOM would have wanted me to.

My mid 20's brought a whole new set of challenges that I was not expecting. Some of them I welcomed, some can still kiss my ass. I learned that I was not cut out for teaching at that point in my life. I have always had a horrible time keeping my mouth shut and my brief teaching career was no exception.  After I lost my Mom, I really wanted to start my own family. I have always wanted to be a mom. All the sex ed classes and PSA's made it sound like if you have unprotected sex, you WILL get pregnant. If you have protected sex you WILL get pregnant. I was careful. I waited. Much to my boyfriend's (now my husband's) dismay. I refused to have sex until I was old enough to handle any and all consequences associated with sex. I waited to have sex until I was in my 20's. I waited until I was madly in love with a man and he and I could handle together any unplanned pregnancy that sex ed told us would happen. So when we decided it was time to grow our family, we both thought it would happen just like people said it would.

I knew it might take a few months. But years went by. I was so unbelievably angry with God. Why don't I get to have a family? Why did my parents have to die and why can't I become a mother? There is a parable about a guy whose town in flooding. There was a radio announcement but he said "God loves me, God will save me". A guy in a boat comes by but he declines saying "God loves me, God will save me". A helicopter with a rope comes by. The man declines saying "God loves me, God will save me". Well, the man dies and after demanding to speak to God proclaiming "I thought you loved me, why didn't you save me?". God replies "I sent you a radio, a boat, and a helicopter. What the hell are you doing here?!". Well, God sent us Dr. Bachus. We used some of the money that I inherited from my parents to pay for IVF and we were able to get pregnant with twins on the first try of IVF.  We lost baby B early on, but I know in my heart she was sent to give me hope and she was taken to save her brother. Just as we finally started to see the sun through the darkness that is infertility, another storm blew in. On August 11th, 2012, 8.5 weeks early, I gave birth to my beautiful son via emergency c-section. Again, unless you have been there, you will never understand the pain of seeing your newborn son fight so hard to live. I was once again angry at the world. But just as God sent us Dr. Bachus, he also sent us the NICU staff at Exempla Good Samaritan. The NICU nurses are truly God's Angels on earth.  Many people do not agree with IVF. Many people believe that it is playing God. To those people I would like to ask you to look at my beautiful son and tell him he shouldn't be here. My child was wanted so badly that his parents went through their own private hell to have him. My child belongs in this world. I look into my child's eyes and I know God exists. Science only did so much. I truly believe God did the rest.

As my 20's conclude, I have discovered a passion and some talent for photography. I am excited to see where this adventure takes me as I enter my 30's.  I look forward to creating memories for my child that will live on in him well after I am gone. I look forward to creating a wonderful life for my son with my husband. While we have our own issues at times, he and I have been through my turbulent 20's together. We have weathered so many storms together already and have emerged battered and bruised, but have always emerged together. Our marriage and our love has been tested so many times and has thus far survived.  Without him, I don't believe I would have survived my 20's. I am so very much looking forward to our life together with our own small, yet happy family.

My 20's have taught me that I can handle anything. I may not handle things the way others think I should, but I can handle anything. My 20's tried to break me, and at times I admit they did. But I did not stay broken. I am not the same person I was when I entered my 20's. I don't think anyone is .  I am stronger now. As I look back on a decade of trials, I find myself "Blessing the broken road" that has led me here. I am happy. I have a wonderful husband and son.
 So now
" I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years" .