"My Next 30 Years...."

I’m gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I’m doing here
In my next thirty years




One month from today I will turn 30 and I could not be more excited! I have seen plenty of Facebook statuses from my peers lately talking about the dreaded milestone birthday and how many are not looking forward to turning 30 as if it implies something great has ended. For me, turning 30 signifies the end to a decade of struggles.

I am fully aware of the fact that your 20's aren't supposed to be easy. I think "Friends" pointed that out pretty clearly. At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, did mine really have to be so fucking tragic? In April 2005 at just 21 years old, a knock on my dorm room door changed the course of my life. There are still some days late at night that I wish I could go back and just never answer that door. My father, the strongest man I know, was dead at 54. It is something that gets replayed a lot in my head. Unless you have had the horrible experience of answering a knock like that, you will never understand. Nearly nine years later and I still can't believe it. I still don't want to believe it, yet I have accepted it. I was unable to fully grieve for my Dad because my mom's health was declining and much faster after the sudden death of the man she had loved for most of her life. A month or two after my Dad passed away, my Mom was diagnosed with early onset Parkinson's disease on top of the coronary artery disease she had been battling for a few years. I think the biggest shock of everything was that I had come to terms with my Mom's mortality. I wasn't okay with her dying by any means, but I understood that she was sick and suffering. I was always expecting a phone call or a knock on my door from my Dad telling me her suffering was over. So when my Mom and Aunt showed up at my dorm on April 10th, my whole world went spinning off its axis. We didn't know it at the time, but my Mom was also suffering from early onset Alzheimer's disease. This wouldn't be known until several months after her death in 2008. Some of her behavior early on was thought to be due to grief. In hindsight, it was the Alzheimer's disease rearing its ugly head. My Mom's personality completely changed. Over the course of almost 3 years I lost my Mom. Her body was still here, but her mind was not. I was 23 years old and about to get married and move across the country. Many people, family and friends, thought they knew what I should do. They thought I should stay home and take care of my sick mother. Many were (and some are still to this day) appalled that I went through with not only my marriage but my move to be with my husband. At this point, my Mom required 24 hour care. We (my sister and I ) had no other choice but to put her in a nursing home. Unless you have been there, unless you have seen first hand the tragedy that is dementia you cannot comment. My Mom watched her own mother slowly die from this disease. My MOM told me on several occasions to smother her with a pillow if she ever got like her mom. My MOM knew what happens to people with dementia. She tried for years to get my Grandpa (God bless his soul) to put her mom in a nursing home. She knew the toll dementia takes on care givers. My MOM would not have wanted me to stop living my life, a life she worked so hard at helping me create, to take care of the shell that she had become. The disease? The disease wanted other things. I understand that the people around me only saw snapshots of what was happening and many did not see the whole picture. Instead, people thought it best to play judge, jury, and executioner to my character without all the facts. So in a time when I was still reeling from the sudden loss of my Dad and the rapid decline of my Mom, in a time when I needed support and strength from others, I felt very much alone. My Mom's body passed away in February 2008.  And it may sound horrible, but a part of me was relieved. My MOM had been gone for a long time. Her spirit, everything that had made her the strong, tough, scary, loving woman everyone knew was already gone. I miss that woman every single day.  I lost a lot more than my mother in February 2008. I lost some good friends, some family, and part of myself.  Could I have handled things better? Of course I could have. But I did the best I could. I was young.  But even with an increased maturity that age and experiences bring, I would still put my Mom in a nursing home and try my best to live my life, because my MOM would have wanted me to.

My mid 20's brought a whole new set of challenges that I was not expecting. Some of them I welcomed, some can still kiss my ass. I learned that I was not cut out for teaching at that point in my life. I have always had a horrible time keeping my mouth shut and my brief teaching career was no exception.  After I lost my Mom, I really wanted to start my own family. I have always wanted to be a mom. All the sex ed classes and PSA's made it sound like if you have unprotected sex, you WILL get pregnant. If you have protected sex you WILL get pregnant. I was careful. I waited. Much to my boyfriend's (now my husband's) dismay. I refused to have sex until I was old enough to handle any and all consequences associated with sex. I waited to have sex until I was in my 20's. I waited until I was madly in love with a man and he and I could handle together any unplanned pregnancy that sex ed told us would happen. So when we decided it was time to grow our family, we both thought it would happen just like people said it would.

I knew it might take a few months. But years went by. I was so unbelievably angry with God. Why don't I get to have a family? Why did my parents have to die and why can't I become a mother? There is a parable about a guy whose town in flooding. There was a radio announcement but he said "God loves me, God will save me". A guy in a boat comes by but he declines saying "God loves me, God will save me". A helicopter with a rope comes by. The man declines saying "God loves me, God will save me". Well, the man dies and after demanding to speak to God proclaiming "I thought you loved me, why didn't you save me?". God replies "I sent you a radio, a boat, and a helicopter. What the hell are you doing here?!". Well, God sent us Dr. Bachus. We used some of the money that I inherited from my parents to pay for IVF and we were able to get pregnant with twins on the first try of IVF.  We lost baby B early on, but I know in my heart she was sent to give me hope and she was taken to save her brother. Just as we finally started to see the sun through the darkness that is infertility, another storm blew in. On August 11th, 2012, 8.5 weeks early, I gave birth to my beautiful son via emergency c-section. Again, unless you have been there, you will never understand the pain of seeing your newborn son fight so hard to live. I was once again angry at the world. But just as God sent us Dr. Bachus, he also sent us the NICU staff at Exempla Good Samaritan. The NICU nurses are truly God's Angels on earth.  Many people do not agree with IVF. Many people believe that it is playing God. To those people I would like to ask you to look at my beautiful son and tell him he shouldn't be here. My child was wanted so badly that his parents went through their own private hell to have him. My child belongs in this world. I look into my child's eyes and I know God exists. Science only did so much. I truly believe God did the rest.

As my 20's conclude, I have discovered a passion and some talent for photography. I am excited to see where this adventure takes me as I enter my 30's.  I look forward to creating memories for my child that will live on in him well after I am gone. I look forward to creating a wonderful life for my son with my husband. While we have our own issues at times, he and I have been through my turbulent 20's together. We have weathered so many storms together already and have emerged battered and bruised, but have always emerged together. Our marriage and our love has been tested so many times and has thus far survived.  Without him, I don't believe I would have survived my 20's. I am so very much looking forward to our life together with our own small, yet happy family.

My 20's have taught me that I can handle anything. I may not handle things the way others think I should, but I can handle anything. My 20's tried to break me, and at times I admit they did. But I did not stay broken. I am not the same person I was when I entered my 20's. I don't think anyone is .  I am stronger now. As I look back on a decade of trials, I find myself "Blessing the broken road" that has led me here. I am happy. I have a wonderful husband and son.
 So now
" I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years" .

I'm a Photographer?

I recently started my own photography business. I just sort of fell into it. A few months ago a local mom (now a friend) posted in a mom's group looking for someone to take some family photos for her. She, like so many other moms (myself included) rarely get in front of the camera for one reason or another. She was looking for someone inexpensive, basically someone who has a DSLR camera and editing capabilities. I responded telling her that I have both and that I would take her family photos for free seeing as though I don't have any experience do photo shoots. I loved it and she loved the photos (looking back I can't wait to shoot their family again seeing how my technique has improved greatly since then). I wanted to do more shoots. I also realized that I did not want people on Facebook stealing my images without getting credit for the work. I posted in a secret Facebook group I used to belong to asking for help in creating a name for my photography page. In the beginning that is all I wanted to do. Have a Facebook page to put my images on and maybe do a few photo shoots here and there. A different friend suggested making the name out of something  meaningful and personal. I knew I didn't just want it to be my own name as the business name. Every night as I lay my son down to sleep I tell him that I love him to the "edge of the universe and back" and that the universe keeps expanding and so does my love. Corny I know, but the name "Edge of the Universe Photography" stuck. I had a few shoots lined up and with each one my drive for photography increased. The idea I had in my head for what I want my business to become kept evolving but
an ever present question in my mind is am I really a photographer?

I have no formal photography training. Everything I have learned I have taught myself by reading and experimenting with different types of shots and settings or by talking with other photographers and learning from them. I have no business training. Again, I am learning as I go. I am trying not to invest too much in my business as of right now. I know you have to spend money to make money and I plan on making an investment in upgrading my equipment to a professional grade body and lens, but right now I am a little afraid to make the leap. I know it is a necessary one if I want to drastically improve the quality of my work and be able to charge more. I am still trying to figure out what a successful business in my eyes would be. Could I actually make a living off of my work? What is success to me? People spend years training in photography. Can this hobby of mine become a career? And what happens to the degree I spent 5 years working for?

I have a degree in chemistry education. A far cry from photography. I spent my childhood being groomed to become a teacher like my parents. I never wanted to disappoint them and I loved science so I went into college with the aspirations of becoming a teacher. I never really considered any other field. I think due in part from not wanting to go against what my parents wanted for me. I know that is hard for some people to fathom, but it you had met my parents while they were still alive, you would understand. After I lost them, I kind of lost myself. I didn't really know what I wanted for my life in terms of a career path. Teaching gave me the flexibility I needed because of my husband's job. But it was a challenge for me. I loved teaching and part of me misses it, but I was not good at the politics of it. I always said I would go back to teaching when my son entered school since my husband and I agreed that I would stay home until then . This is another thing I know my mom would have some issues with as I grew up hearing her opinions on SAHMs. I think a part of her wishes she could have stayed home, but in order to provide the life she envisioned for her family she worked.  I think this is a big reason why I feel the need to justify to others when they ask what I do. As if raising a child isn't good enough. Logically I know that no one really cares why it is I stay home with my child instead of working. Yet I feel the  need to state that I was a chemistry teacher before having him. Why? Why do I feel guilty for choosing to be a SAHM and/or a WAHM? I think it is partly due to the fact that my mother's generation fought so hard to not have to stay at home. They fought so many battles to give me and my peers the opportunity to "have it all".

Photography is the first thing in a really long time that I have been passionate about and actually have some raw natural talent for. It is something I can see myself doing for the long term. Hopefully creating a studio in a part of my house for when photo shoots  need to be done inside for one reason or another. A few months ago when I started I didn't know if I wanted to turn this into a career. It was just a hobby that I can make some money with. But as I invest more of myself into every photo I take I discover that I really love it. It makes me so happy to be able to document memories for families to look back on. But how do I silence the doubt in my mind? How do I quiet the voice in my head that tells me I am a chemistry teacher? I do it one photograph at a time. Because I AM a photographer.